Health Anxietyyy???

I took this photo of this man on a ride to work on Metro one morning.
I couldn't believe this B was facing me. I was pissed.  I did chuckle a little though.

Now on to it.

Health Anxiety...I have it. 

Okay, I'm not going to put THAT into the atmosphere...I had it. 

Because of what I perceived was extreme weight loss. 

I recently began working out again after two months of monitoring myself because of it. 

and by monitoring myself, I mean doing absolutely nothing. Waking up and living, no working out, eating whatever just to try and gain weight.  

Just when I think i've gained a few pounds the next day, gone. 

kept smkng / drinking and even began eating meat to "see"...nothing.

The only thing that relieved me a little was remembering the doctor's visit I had in early when I registered at my current weight with clothes on. That means I would have been less naked right?  Does that make sense?

so essentially, I've gained?

I even had blood work drawn

but due to my health anxiety, waited months before reading the results...

The only thing that ran through my mind...Dis-Ease...of the worst kind.  I couldn't read them nor did I want to call to find out.

I had a bcancer scare in '23 (found a lump) and with a recent diagnosis of my mother (who's now recovered) i began to worry. HEAVY. 

So yea, HEALTH ANXIETY.

I finally read them and found that I do have some work to do on one of my organs. 

seriously though...I can't help but wonder if something else is going on still...

this is one of the reasons why i've disappeared.

I don't want people commenting on my weight loss and / or be happy that something worse could be going on with me. 

I've hid from everyone out of this fear/anxiety because of it.

The only solace I have is that if it isn't good...then I won't be around to deal with this or that or think about him / her ever again. 

and now, the pictures.

Before - this aint even the worst one 

Now

crazy right? 

Here's what's helping besides accepting the possible relief of leaving everything behind via my demise.

One > I did go to the doctor and so far nothing has shown.

Two > I remind myself to appreciate the present as much as I can.  I take full advantage of my present days. I leave the past behind and do not harp too much on the future. 

Third > I started taking supplements.  Mentally it makes me feel better even though it's hard to gauge the effects.

that's all I got for now.

xoxo -FLynn

PS: pray for my mental